What compass guides your choices in life?
It is so easy to forget that you make a choice in every second. Even if you watch a movie for 2 hours, every second that you are watching it is because you decided to keep watching it. You know this because if the smoke alarm goes off, you immediately decide to stand up and check for a fire, and if there is no fire then to run to the alarm with a chair or a broomstick to turn the darned thing off.
But how often do you go in autopilot mode, letting yourself sidetrack from choosing the life that you really want to live?
In fact, how do you even keep track of the life you want to live among all the dishes that need doing, the lawns that need mowing, the money that needs making, the shopping that needs doing, the messages that need answering, the taxes that need filing and the endless little logistics that eat away at your time, energy, enthusiasm, passion and intimacy? No wonder as soon as you have some free time the screens, chocolate and wine are so attractive!
Then there are all the ‘shoulds’ in your mind; you should be funny, interesting, witty, hard-working, have money, make your parents proud, be submissive, be respectable, not be angry or emotional, be grateful, be happy, be content, be polite and and and!
‘Shoulds’ can seem to be very reasonable… The problem is that being who you should be is NOT being who you are.
And whose ‘shoulds’ are they anyway?
Take a moment to consider where the idea comes from that you should be in a certain way to be acceptable, worthy and valuable, and notice how many other people around you have the same kind of ‘shoulds’. You might find that they are like little black magnets stuck to the wall of your compass that are pulling it off North!
But when you do not meet those ‘shoulds’ things can get turbulent. Shame, guilt, self-punishment, isolation, depression, jealousy, overwhelm, anxiety, running away from difficulties and resenting the people around you are all results that can stem from the pressure of ‘shoulds’ conflicting with who you really are, where you really are at, and what you really want.
That turbulence happens because you have a heart, and your heart is a compass that tells you what is important to you. If the ‘shoulds’ in your mind are pulling you in a different direction to your heart, then your heart gets confused, tangled, and numb. The way to bring clarity to your heart and mind is by learning to feel conscious anger.
Now, you might be thinking hmmmmmm but anger is one of those negative feelings… I thought we were supposed to avoid that one… I’ve had really bad experiences with Anger… Actually anger is dangerous! aggressive! violent! uncontrolled! Stupid! Destructive!
Well, I agree with you. Anger is dangerous.
But consider this. What have we got from suppressing our anger as a culture? To suppress something does not make it disappear. It makes it go underground where you do not learn to handle it. It leaks out sideways in resentment and power games. It accumulates below the surface until it has to explode in violence and aggression, or implode in overwhelm, stress and disease. Is that not more dangerous than learning to feel angry consciously?
Think of any of the important movements that are happening right now; Women’s Rights, Racial Equality, Climate Action. They all started with NO! I DO NOT ACCEPT! I WANT THINGS TO BE DIFFERENT! I REFUSE TO GO ON WITH THINGS HOW THEY ARE!
Conscious anger was needed to interrupt the status quo and make space for something different.
Conscious anger makes space!
And only when there is space in you can you fill it with the life you want, the culture you want.
Conscious anger also makes space in your heart for your other feelings to unfold and untangle without them overwhelming you; fear, sadness, joy and all their combinations. Each feeling has its own gifts for you to calibrate your compass and create your life.
It is like opening that drawer in your house that is filled with all the old charging cables… you pull out the anger one, and all the others tangled up with it come out too! Only once you have pulled them out of the draw and given them space can you begin to untangle them and make clarity.
Your fear tells you where the edge of your comfort zone is, it lets you detect purpose, tells you when to be careful and when to be bold, and connects you to intuition. Your sadness lets you feel connected to yourself and others, lets you be in contact, grieve your losses, be touched, and build bridges. Your joy lets you celebrate, embrace the present, inspire and be inspired, be curious, create, play and discover.
Your feelings have been there all along, waiting for you to listen to them and use them as your compass. The life that really matters to you is created moment to moment by every choice that you make.
A very effective way to begin making space in your heart is to make the practise of 3x3x3 (3 minutes of anger, 3 times per week, for 3 months), which is described in detail below.
If you have completed 3x3x3, you are ready to calibrate your compass! Try this out:
For 2 days, set your alarm clock to go off every hour during the times you are awake. Every time that it goes off, pause whatever you are doing and make a 4 feelings check in.
You do this by connecting to your heart, and saying: “I feel angry because…” “I feel fear because…” “I feel sad because…” “I feel joy because…”
Let each feeling speak without knowing in your mind already what you will say.
Once you have listened to the information from each feeling, choose your next impulse and go for it!
For example:
I feel angry to finish this article with clarity!
I feel fear not to rush, and to take care of the details.
I feel sad in connection with the journey I have been on to connect with my inner-writer!
I feel joy because I can feel how close I am to completing this article, and I will celebrate with a big sleep!
Impulse: complete the article….
3x3x3
When learning to feel your anger as an adult, it is necessary to begin from where you left off. This might be very early in your childhood, especially if you learned to be a good boy or a good girl as a way to adapt and survive, or if you were exposed to emotional or physical abuse. With clarity, love, and practise your anger can quickly mature from childish anger (which might come out in tantrums, demands, blame, righteousness) to Adult anger which is clarity, decisiveness, presence, attention, being centered, setting boundaries and taking action. It is good to know that when you start practising you might feel childish and immature, and that is ok, you can only begin from there.
Set up a safe space for yourself where you can express your emotions freely and loudly. Let your housemates and maybe even your neighbours know that you are doing feelings work and that there is nothing to be concerned about. Make sure you have tissues and a bucket on hand, as well as a hand-towel sized towel to wring in your hands, and maybe an extra one to bite down on if you need to muffle your sounds. The bucket is in case you need to spit or vomit things out, and the tissues are for snot and tears. You can do this laying down or standing up.
Set your timer for 3 minutes.
When the timer begins, enter the door to your heart and start to let all the sensations enter your body. Also let your body move in the ways it wants to move, and let yourself make sounds, even if they are crazy ones! No matter whether you begin to cry, shake or laugh, let your anger get bigger and bigger. Let it flow into you like magma and steam builds up pressure in a volcano, until the pressure gets so huge that steam and smoke billow out the top, and eventually explosions rock the ground and fill the air. Let it explode while still letting the pressure build inside you.
Let yourself say words without needing to know what you will say or what it all means. You might say things like:
GET AWAY! FUCK! NO! I WANT…!
I NEED…! GO!
STOP!
THIS IS MY SPACE! MY BODY! NOT YOURS!
Keep going. Let the Anger sink deeply into your bones, making them denser, making them glow.
If other emotions come up during the 3 minutes, welcome them too, make space for them, let them be expressed, and then keep going with the anger because as an Adult you will need to be able to use your anger to not be overwhelmed by other emotions.
Do this 3 minute practise at least 3 times per week for 3 months. 3x3x3 is an Initiatory practise to ignite the force and colours of your heart. To complete it is an expression of your commitment to taking Adult level responsibility for your feelings.
Thank you for reading, and for your courage to create the life you really want to live. We need your presence and service!
Check out my website if you would like to make contact, and to join upcoming workshops and trainings.
Tristan
